totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
