So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can't put those talents on a resume
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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