Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
