There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
