Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
