"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
