Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
