Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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