Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
