i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
