rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
