meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
