Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize