Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
