I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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