Will you blow on my dice?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
