That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
