im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
