Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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