I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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