you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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