Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
