I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
