I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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