why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
