I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Nicole vs. Life
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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