Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
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