Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The air was thick with penises
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
