Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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