so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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