Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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