god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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