My cat gives me a boner
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
