I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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