That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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