Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can you bring me the toilet please
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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