Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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