That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
