I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
