forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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