So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
