M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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