I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
