life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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