he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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