dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
