Pappa wants mamma naked
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
