I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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