i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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