Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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