Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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