My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
