He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
