i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
