Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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