We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
