'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
