people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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