I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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