the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm too high and old for this...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
