Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize